"The art of life is to know how to enjoy a little and to endure very much." -William Hazlitt

Monday, Oct 7th, 2024

I think it's important to note, that no matter what you're going through, life goes on. And I still want to make sure I'm enjoying it! Sometimes I feel like I'm in this holding pattern as I endure chemo, but I'm tired of holding patterns. I was in a holding pattern when I broke my leg 2 Summers ago and subsequently dealt with some heavy depression. I'm in a holding pattern every time it gets too cold out or gets dark so early or snows too heavily. I was in a holding pattern when I had any of my surgeries. I am tired of being in holding patterns. Don't get me wrong ... I WILL listen to my body when I need to rest, sleep, cry, eat, etc. But I will not stay home when I want to go out. It is, after all, my favorite time of year. I've allowed myself to wallow and have pity parties because I lost most of my hair, and I feel like shit, and want to sleep all day long or have debilitating headaches. But it's not every day (well, it is with my hair). So, on the good days, I will allow myself to enjoy life. Enjoying life doesn't always mean the same thing. Enjoying life right now is going to Leah's dance shows, watching the leaves change, making plans to go to a fall event or a Halloween experience with Eddie or Jon (or both!). It means going to the cabin and relaxing by the fire. It means getting caught up with work and being able to see more clients than a week ago. It means LIVING. And I have so much living to do. Tuesday, Oct 1st was my 3rd chemo infusion. I only have 1 more - Oct 22nd. I don't want one more, I don't want to go through this again but it's only 1 more. I've got a little left in me to endure. And it is a lot to endure. This time around the headaches weren't so bad. And the joint pain not quite as bad. The feverish feelings, not as frequent. The worst of it were 2 things: Fatigue and Thrush. The fatigue makes me want to sleep all the time - and when I'm not sleeping, I'm still lying down and my brain tells me I can't move. So, I sleep and I don't move. The thrush seems to almost fully go away just before the next infusion but then comes roaring back a few days after the next infusion. It's awful. Imagine this feeling: your tongue feels swollen to 1 1/2x normal size, it feels coarse and numb and thick. It alters your taste buds dramatically to where I taste nothing, or things taste unusual. It sucks.

I did hear some positive things at my office visit prior to the infusion last week - from my oncologist. He said numerous times how well he thought I was doing based on the other patients he sees. In fact, he said I am doing much better than most! It's so helpful to hear things like that when you don't know what to compare your experiences with. Yes, I do attribute that to the AZ trip where I began eating better and moving more. And I've kept that up about 60% of the time (I mean, when going through chemo, you do what you gotta do to get thru!). I also attribute that to doing yoga regularly, walking, working, and moving. But truly, the reason I think I'm doing better than most is my support system.

My husband Jon - my constant support and security. He takes care of me no questions asked. I can't even begin to tell you how amazing he is. My sweet boy Eddie - my purpose and humor. Laughter is the best medicine! And because we have such similar humor, and I get him - it is so healing. This is also a pretty crucial time in his life - 14 years old! Driver's Ed and High School! Those are a big deal! So being able to be there when he comes home from school, making sure he does his homework and develops better habits for himself ... that is so huge for me. I get to be there for that. And I want to be. My step kids Cole and Leah - though I don't see them as much as I'd like, when I do, they brighten my day. Leah, a High School Senior and Cole, a Junior in College, I can see the young adults they have become, and I hope they are so proud of themselves as they should be. My sisters Donna, Deb and Denice, whether just a text message or a visit during infusions, they are always sending me positivity. My cousins Ivana and Alice in Italy - there's no language barrier for love, care and concern. My husband's aunt Norma - always thoughtfully checking in. My friends, too many to name, Amanda, Kristy, Jessica, Joni, Jen, Stacy H, Amy, Andie, Kayley, Stacy C, Lacey, Betsey, Rachel and more (I'm sorry if your name isn't here! I'll blame it on chemo brain :) ) - same - your texts/visits/etc. keep me feeling NORMAL and positive. And to those who I don't speak to regularly who have reached out just to express concern and are thinking of me, THANK YOU! I don't know what this picture looks like without all of you and frankly, I don't want to. So Thank You a thousand times over. And I hope to somehow make you feel comforted and cared for in a similar way someday, if I haven't yet.

At Leah's bday dinner at La Grolla in St Paul - Eddie trying to act Italian with his "wine" water glass :)

Some of the fun crafts I've been working on

My new hair! I think I finally found a way to look normal AND feel comfy in public. Most of them either itch or hurt so jackpot!

These beautiful girls showed up in our backyard a few days ago. Mama and 2 babies (one out of shot)